The China Chronicles

is it karma?
joe has another girl.
it feels...weird. i thought i knew him.
i thought he wasn't like that. i THOUGHT.

sure. we weren't together anymore when
he dated/ when he was seeing the new girl.
but..he was still...i thought..i was wrong.

the new girl told a friend that joe took her out
on a date and spent a bundle.
he went to her house, cooked for her, baked for her.
all this while he still kissed me. told me that
he was attracted to me. while he looked at me
and told me that he couldn't see me anymore because
he would just melt away.

lies. all lies.
i'm broken.

i'm finally back in manila.
i haven't been actively pursuing a job.
the only thing i've been active in, is pursuing joe.*sigh*
he's finally in med school. and amidst people telling me,
he needs time to study, my obstinate self still secretly
pushes the issue that he HAS to spend time with me.

maybe when i find a job, i won't be so jealous.
or demanding. or...annoying.

I decided to drop out of school. Well cut it short anyways.
I can't stand staying here (or is it away from Joe, really?) any longer.
So I'm going home! In two weeks!
And I can't wait.

And so is he.
And I can't wait.

I hope he finds an earlier flight back to Manila.
So we can revel in boracay in sheer bliss.

Lately, I've been sleeping at 5AM.
Waking up at 3PM. And hey, it's not so bad after all.
Maybe I should be a bum.
Seems like it fits me well.

All your life you are told the things you cannot do.
All your life they will say you're not good enough
or strong enough or talented enough;
they will say you're the wrong height
or the wrong weight or the wrong type to play this
or be this or achieve this.
THEY WILL TELL YOU NO,
a thousand times no,
until all the no's become meaningless.
All your life they will tell you no,
quite firmly and very quickly.
AND YOU WILL TELL THEM YES.

when to get married.

a lot of people hide in their shell like a turtle when they hear about marriage.
i have a seatmate for instance, in Writing class, who makes jokes that marriage is
like hell on earth. Or that its the worst thing in the world.

how ironic is it that something intended to be so beautiful and desired (for those who are meant to be
married) is reduced to something as *gasp* hell on earth?

i can't help but wonder if he's just bitter, bitter or well, gay.
(no. i do not mean to offend members of this gender)
but why the apathy towards marriage?

i mean, honestly, if i had my way, why not marry?
obviously, to the guy i love, blah blah blah.

my older friend told me to marry late. so i'll know what i want.
she said, with age comes wisdom and the qualities i want in a guy will be different.
but then again, who's to say that i'm not "wise" enough now?

wait, did i just imply that i want to get married?
*gasp*

i was too lazy to wake up for class today.
commuting to school gives me another reason to skip class.
anyway, listed below are the top 3 people who're candidates for mistresses:
(not meant to offend anybody)

1. stewardess(es?)
2. beauty queens
3. artistas/bold stars


There are many other fields where mistresses are lurking around.
But a very recent experience of a good friend has gotten me to think about
the illegal other.

to be continued.. (my brain isnt functioning)

apparently, xanga, livejournal, blogspot and all the others have a little competition coming along. friendster has its own blog, which is actually easier to use. It's like Nokia. User-friendly. Hah. It's going to take me a long while before I see myself speaking HTML and turning this blog into one of those amazing blogs that other people have.
next week is exam week. we have...around maybe a hundred chinese characters and pinyin to memorize. I'm no teacher, but i don't know if memorization the best way to get someone to master a language.
I feel guilty when I check how many more days do I have to stay in this God-forsaken place. I mean, I am here after all to discover the beauty and culture of my roots. But sometimes, I get so frustrated and want to fly back home. Nevermind I'm not even the level of a 4th grade student in China.
What am I here for anyway?
for the meantime, my weekend, which is my idea of heaven on earth, will be consumed by studying for hell week that is coming up. (yes, we do have hell week in beijing university too.)

even after watching it for the 3rd or maybe 4th time, i still reel at how handsome Andy Garcia looks in the Godfather 3. Sigh. Makes me wish I could marry a mafia. 2 hours and something? Not wasted.
Nevermind if I didn't even bother to study new characters, or even think about exam week next week.
Sigh.

Why is the dangerous life always more fascinating than the safe, routinary Pleasantville one?
If you thought about it, those who lived eventful lives were often smarter than the mediocre (?) ones.

It's still cold in Beijing. Around 10 Celsius. Definitely warmer than last week.
But I'm a warm-weathered person. If you know what I mean.

I think I'll try hit the books for now.

22 years and counting.
I'm at the point in my life when I can't wait to grow up. (Meaning: grow older, get rich so I can marry the love of my life)
But then, when you're in a hurry, it feels longer. Why is that?
And when you want something to last forever, in an instant, it's gone.
Time sometimes plays tricks on you. Maybe it gets a kick out of it.

I'm also at a point in this Beijing life, where I feel that I can't memorize another word,
learn another chinese character or even listen to anyone speak anymore.
25-35 words everyday doesn't sound too much, but it is when you're actually learning it.
I must admit, I'm guilty. I really should be sent to jail. My parents are spending (no, not an arm
and a leg) maybe a finger everyday for me to be here. It still is a finger (or a toe) nevertheless.

I am part of the ...kodigo gang. Which consists of me and my cousin, Hannah.
Wait, before you judge us & say we're cheaters. We only write those REALLY hard words
which make you wonder why in the world does one character have to consist of 4 already hard to write
ones. So yes, we are guilty but only for 1st degree murder. (I think.)

I asked Joe for my birthday gift. I asked for a Tiffany bracelet...NOT!
No. I am not one of those girls. I asked for someone more than money could buy.
Those things are the things that are hardest to give, come to think of it.

Now for my birthday wish. I wish...Joe would give me what I asked for.

i have never been a techie freak. But then again after coming to china, my relationship with my laptop has been nothing less than the best. We are together 24/7. It even gets to sleep on my bed. We share the same blanket, the same pillow. It's the first thing i touch in the morning and the last thing at night. If only I could substitute Joe for my laptop. I would.
I vowed to myself not to talk about Joe. Unfortunately, I must acquiesce to the fact that he's just that inevitable thing I have to talk about no matter how hard I restrain myself. Guys make up such a huge part of our lives. Britney was right when she said can't live with them, can't live without them.
He's going to Europe on April for almost two months. Alone. It sounds really logical to some people to travel alone and see the world. I used to believe in that. USED TO. Until I realized, why not see the world with someone you love? Two heads are after all always better than one. Hay.

i have the worst headache. after finishing my dinner of instant noodles and coke, which i thought would aid my headache, it might've only made it worse. i need a massage. But then again, i can't even say massage in mandarin. i celebrated my first weeksary in beijing last monday. i will be here for another four months, i don't even want to think about it. and yes, it is apparent, i have not taken much liking to china.
maybe starting a blog will help me keep my idle mind at work. And take away some of the homesickness and loneliness. I miss manila terribly. The sound of the jeep, people speaking tagalog and the simplest things like my bathroom (is that an appropriate adjective for a bathroom?). But I guess for now, this will have to do.